Do You Really Have a Favorite

The makeup of your family is unique, not cookie cutter

Being a parent is hard enough and when you have multiple children, it gets creative. Together we have five children (four sons and a daughter) who are unique. An engineer, future neurosurgeon, future real estate agent, marketer, and a musician. For the record, the list in alphabetical order 😉. *

When our children were younger they were interested in a lot of things socially, academically, and athletically. Are you ready for the curve ball? We are also a blended family. Oh, and we are also a multicultural family.

For Techy and I working through the differences is an important priority in how we raise our children. We also had to stay focused on our goal for our kids - raise children that will contribute to society.

Parental favoritism - don’t repeat a blast from the past

Disclaimer: My  parents did the best they could with what they knew. As I have gotten older, I have really learned to appreciate the lessons they taught us.

My parents would typically use me as the benchmark for my siblings. Why aren’t you doing X like Andre? Your brother is doing X, why aren’t you? As an adult I still hear the echoes of these conversations while with my siblings.

That experience is not special, there are many people that have experienced the same thing. It is also an old scenario. 

You may have heard of Joseph and his coat of many colors. But Isaac and Rebekah from Genesis 25 show more of the parents’ role in their children’s relationship disintegrating. Like most parents they were happy at the birth of their children, but shortly after is where the parents start down the wrong path.

27 And the boys grew: and Esau was a skilful hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a quiet man, dwelling in tents. 28 Now Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: and Rebekah loved Jacob. - Genesis 25:27 - 28 (ASV)

Jacob was not a hunter and enjoyed being at home while Esau was a hunter. I like to imagine Jacob in present day as one of the child prodigies that later discovers a huge contribution to society. Present day Esau in my mind is the all-around athlete. I see them like that because that was me -  a “closet-nerd” and athlete. Things break apart in verse 28 “Issac loved Esau ‘’ and “Rebekah loved Jacob ‘’, or you can translate this into “Esau was Issac’s favorite” and “Jacob was Rebekah’s favorite”.

Okay, so they are your kids, and you will have something in common with them. They will gravitate towards the activities you enjoy. But when you unintentionally alienate one of your children from those activities, you transition into favoritism. This is where Isaac and Rebekah started down the wrong path.

Negative effects of favoritism

Where it all comes to a head is later in chapter 27:5 - 45. Isaac is dying and asks his son a favor, and Rebekah hears this and makes her move. When the children are aware of the new dynamics, the issues arise.

Rebekah hatches a plan to steal her oldest son’s birthright for her favorite. The deed is done and Esau vows to kill his own brother. Upon hearing this, Rebekah consults Jacob to leave until his brother’s wrath passes. He does, but it will be years later for the two to reconcile. Okay, this is an extreme situation, but there are lessons to be learned. 

• Your children are aware of your preferences and will act accordingly. Both Isaac and Rebekah separately were creating a divide between their children. Esau and Jacob wanted to please their parents, but I don’t think they saw the rift between themselves.
• Parents should not construct situations to favor any of their children. I believe if Isaac and Rebekah did not do this Esau would not get to the point in which he wanted to kill his brother. At the same time Jacob would not be in a position to take advantage of his father and brother.
• Parents should recognize the achievements and ability of their children equally. We started with “Isaac loved Esau” and “Rebekah loved Jacob” without ever seeing the parents making an effort to see the two brothers work together. Isaac could have asked Esau to show Jacob how to cook venison. Rebekah could have encouraged Jacob to hunt with his Esau and get tips on how to cook venison. I don’t want to armchair QB, but there were many different ways this could have played out. 
• Don’t be blind to the problem. I am not excusing Isaac, but Rebekah is eavesdropping and plotting. Why didn’t they talk about their children if not when they were younger, but now? I am just saying. It’s a lot harder to fix something when it’s broken then maintain it.

So what do you do?

For your children to have a healthy view of each other, include all of them in activities. This is not to say every activity, but make opportunities that allow them to see each other as part of the same team. Your children have to learn and continue to relate to each other.

When our children were younger, they could relate through their respective sports (sometimes on the same team) and other activities. From baseball, basketball, football, rugby, and even karate (although our daughter is a black belt and two time national champion and Jr. Olympics nominee). But as they got older, to get them to see common ground, we needed a new plan. Here are some things we did that kept us from picking a favorite and learning who are kids were becoming:

• Dinner as a family - We made it a point that we would eat dinner as a family and talk. Techy or I would ask what they learned in school as the icebreaker. Most of our children are adults now, but we still have fruitful conversations at dinner. Well, when we get to see them.
• Watching movies at home - Normally on a Sunday we would make  (yep make) our kids watch movies with us. A majority of the time one of them would pick the movie that we would watch. Even now with only one child at home this time to unplug and just relax together is amazing.
• Sharing of our faith - I must admit that all of our children are at different levels of faith. But I believe that they will mature in their relationship with God at their own pace. By Techy and I showing the importance of God in our lives regardless of circumstance.
• Asking

As a parent it is not about keeping the peace, but teaching our children how to really enjoy being around others with different interests.