Blended Families Don't Have to Be Difficult

Blended Families

Raising a family is challenging but not impossible, but blended families can have additional obstacles. Together, Teresa and I have five children, two boys each from our previous marriages, and our amazing daughter.

Two of our children stayed with their mother primarily, and two stayed with us. I guess this is called co-parenting, but I still like to call it just parenting. In our home it was, and still is, important to be clear that we are all a family regardless of the geography, but more on that later.

Problems With Blended Families

Looking back on our experience, I believe the problems with blended families start with your perspective on parenting. Teresa and I are both children of divorce, and my views are more complicated because I was raised by step-dad, who I consider my dad since I did not have a relationship with my biological father. As we got more serious about our relationship and began having conversations about family, we understood there was a lot of common ground and some minor differences.

I believe the differences would have been an issue we would have to work on individually whether or not we stayed with their parents, so I am not convinced they are unique to blended families. Don't get me wrong, divorce or family separation can have long-term consequences on people and especially when children are involved, but it is reasonable to believe you can reduce the effects on your family.

Cultural Differences: Traditions, Familial Background, Ethnicity and Nationality A Hidden Driver of Your Family

Let me be clear that cultural differences are not solely based on ethnicity or nationality, but also familial background and traditions which can dictate communication styles to what you like to do for Christmas. For example, over the years, I have changed how I celebrate Christmas entirely. I celebrate on Christmas Eve, from dinner to opening presents at midnight. Why? My wife is Peruvian, and she celebrates on Christmas Eve.

Teresa is Peruvian, and her ex is Dominican. My ex is caucasian and I am black. Now let all that sink in. This may not apply to everyone's situation, but it definitely applies to ours. In both of our former marriages, our cultural differences were something we had to work through just like now. Over time, our family has tried to remain fluid enough to make even small changes that make each member feel a part of the family and know they are loved.

Even the smallest changes make a big difference:

• One of our sons will not eat chicken with bones in it
• When two of our sons were younger they would not eat eggs
• Arroz Tapado (one of our favorite Peruvian dishes) was made two different ways: one without raisins and without eggs

Being aware of your personal perspective and how it impacts your present is important to your success in relationships.

Blended Families Living Separately

When we bought our home, it was important the kids had their own space and felt comfortable, but the most important thing we had to do, either consciously or unconsciously, was to be consistent. Unfortunately, when blended families are living separately, there are still issues with consistency. Weekend, holiday, and "vacation" parenting takes a toll on everyone involved. I can remember many times gearing up for the adjustment period of the kids coming home or leaving.

Forgetting the weekend's homework or favorite jacket, while inconvenient, are not the biggest issues that can put stress on your family.

Discipline

Of course, how you were raised plays a major part in what discipline looks like in your home, but when you add additional people into the dynamic, whoa boy! You now have to be aware of what works in your home plus the other parent's home. In our home, I am the "strict" one and my wife is the "free-spirit" on most things. We had to decide what that looks like and prioritize what really was a "big issue". Needless to say, we still haven't figured it out all the way even though our children are adults.

What Has Worked For Us: Teresa And I Try To Stay Aligned

Kids know when parents don't agree because parents let them know. I know my facial expressions give me away when I don't agree or my mouth can't stay shut. Both of my "tells" are okay, but I remember when our oldest graduated high school I had an ephiany - our children are going to leave us one day. On that day, I reaffirmed my position. The most important relationship that I have to maintain is with my wife. That was a game changer for me. With our family and the dynamics, I learned to keep couple goals as priority #1. Sure, it is a lofty goal, but we have done a great job so far, except for for our retirement location.

What Has Worked For Us: Honest and Respectful Communication is Non-Negotiable

Our children are "allowed" to talk to us about anything and even disagree, but they have to be respectful. Sometimes our teenage children have wanted to make their position known about a topic, but were out of line in how it was communicated. Simply put they were disrespectful.

One day when I was younger my mother asked me to do something, and I dug in my heels. Unfortunately (or fortunately) my dad was there and his response differed from what I would have expected. He didn't knock me into next week. He merely told me (I'm paraphrasing), "Do what you are being told to do, and then you can ask why." My dad just wanted me to show respect to my mother, we ask that our children be honest and respectful of all family members. Over the last few years, each of our children have told us how much they appreciate the fact they can talk to us about anything.

You Can Overcome the Blended Families Challenges

We can all agree every family is unique and provides their own strengths and challenges, and blended families are no different. My wife and I love our family and are fortunate to stay involved with their lives as young adults. One of the coolest things to happen in 2021 for us was to see four out of five of our children on Christmas and to hear how happy they were to spend time with each other. You can't make that up, but I believe any family can work to get there.

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