Are You The Victim of a Toxic Relationship

Can you change a toxic relationship? Yes, you can. Can it change overnight? No. At least one of you has to be strong enough to endure the change. Read on to gain insight from a marriage that went through some “bad times” and made it to the other side.

What is a toxic relationship

When your relationship contains manipulation, insecurity, and control, it is toxic. The pressure and uncertainty of what the “incident” will be and when it will occur will keep you up at night. Unfortunately, there will be a collision. Unfortunately, the “incident” will occur.

Think of it like a forced trial with no defendant. The prosecutor stacks the charges and the defense struggles to protect their non-existent defendant. Good luck!

The toxic person will pull out every stop to make their case, to prove their justification in making the other person feel bad. If you were to look into their eyes as you are listening to their words you would see how lost and confused they are. If I am being honest you can see their hurt.

What are some issues that arise in a toxic relationship

A toxic relationship may not always include a fight or an argument. The forms of attacks may often be subtle jabs. They can mask the weapons as kind words. 

Failure to communicate makes both parties stop talking. Words can hurt. After enough of them communication will stop, even good communication. Who wants to prepare for battle or battle every day.

Lack of trust after the repeated abuse of one person from another. You don’t expect the other person to have your best interest in mind any longer. You see them in a different and more adversarial point of view. It was hard for me to admit that to myself, but when I recognized that reality it helped me to have control with my responses.

Negative ways that you can respond to your toxic partner

Honestly, it is easy to respond in kind when anyone mistreats you, but it is even worse when you love the other person. When the person who knows the most about you becomes your enemy this makes for some of the nastiest interactions you can have.

Returning their behaviour with equal or worse behaviour is the wrong play. Keep your emotions in check, because the last thing that you want to do is say or do something that you cannot take back. Mentally step away, separate the words from the person, and remember that you love them. Even in the hottest situations, remember that you love them.

Not trying to find a way to speak to them about the real issue is the next worst response in a toxic relationship. This may be one of the harder things to do, because it may make you emotional and then there is the possibility that it creates another situation, but you have to try. Search for a way to approach the conversation. 

How to be a Christian in a toxic relationship

Although both my wife and I are Christians, we struggled with the consequences of a toxic relationship. In retrospect, I wish I could change one part of the conversation, but I am glad that we had the conversation.  She recently asked me why I never handled being upset how she did. My response was that it was not me. Okay, oversimplification. The more detailed reason is over the years of growing my faith there are things that I have learned that are woven in my inner being. 

I strongly believe that God prepares you for situations both good and bad, you just have to look for what He aims to teach in them. In the journey that my wife and I are on as a team and family, some lessons I learned along the way have helped us to stay strong. I want to share the four Bible verses, along with prayer, that have helped me to grow both as a person and husband.

Continue to work on yourself

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? - Matthew 7:3 (NIV)

You have probably asked yourself if there is somewhere you need to grow and if not you must. There is a possibility that you may trigger certain responses, that may cause the escalation and if that is true work on how to eliminate those. This does not excuse or justify the toxic behaviour, but it must be addressed.

This verse and the principle in it helps me to look at my role in all of my relationships in a more honest way. Working on the perception problem takes time, but is helpful in both your private and public life.

Not that you take on a false sense of self-righteousness. It means that you accept your faults and deal with people with a sense of understanding. You work on the things that you need to work on before trying to prescribe to others what they should do. When you take this approach, you can genuinely be there for people without trying to mask those areas. 

My wife may have been struggling, but I needed to work on my sarcasm. I realized that my defensive mechanism may not have been helping the situation. It could fuel the toxic exchanges when I wasn’t careful. I had to respond in a way that shows love and not aggression. I continue to work on the areas that require continuous improvement.

There are several areas I continue to work on, but in reality I cannot change anyone. Especially my wife. What I have control over is working on my crap. Oh, and I have a list!

Remember that your spouse is not your enemy

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

We live in a world where “influencers” are actually a thing. People are buying things, deciding, and adopting beliefs based from feeds. The influence of the world is now in our pockets. This does not even include the influence of our loved ones; both friends and family. Being able to validate these inputs is now more than ever critical.

The discipline to stand your ground on correct principles is very important. It’s difficult but doable. Learn how to discern how to make a biblical choice over a worldly choice. The best example that I can use for this is an exchange between Jesus and Peter (Matthew 16: 13-17, 21-23).

To summarize, Jesus had just performed a miracle, announced that Peter had just shown a huge sign of faith, and later Peter is rebuked by Jesus. Peter, like us, can be in alignment to what God desires and the next moment make their desires priority and then oppose what God desires. Jesus did not kick Peter off his team, nor did he attack him. 

Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns. ” Matthew 16:23 (NIV)

In my situation, being able to both identify and address the influence meant that by no means was I to kick her off my team. Talk about a real WWJD moment.

If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.  Genesis 4:7 (NIV)

Remember that you didn’t marry a toxic person

“and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.” - Proverbs 5:18 (NIV)

This verse implies that time has passed, but the wisdom in this verse is timeless. Remember all the reasons you married your spouse. Remember all the good times. This verse implies that you are now older, and like many things that age changes occur.

Things were not like this when you first met. Communication was easier. But to get back there you have to remember who they were and keep them in your heart. The toxic person who they are now is not them. Remember, you have changed too.

Being in a toxic relationship, although difficult, is not always hopeless. If you are committed to the survival of your relationship, you must commit to making some changes and focus on making it work. My wife and I have been blessed to work through this rough spot in our relationship and blessed to stay together. We continue to love each other and grow. Together.

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