Separation Comeback

**I want a separation. It is very sad when your partner says this. But what leads your partner to feel this way, or to the point of saying, “I can't take it anymore, I think we should separate”. **

Did your partner tell you, “I am tired of you, I can’t do this no more. Let's get separated.”?

In my case, when my husband told me this, I remember feeling bad, I felt that everything fell apart, I did not want to say or do anything. The only thing I thought was, “What am I going to do, why doesn’t he  want to be with me anymore?”.  

Days before he told me this, we had been arguing a lot, because of my jealousy, my insecurities and doubts. I didn't really realize what I was doing, until he told me, “I'm tired of you being jealous, of always thinking I'm doing something wrong, of being judged, of your insults, of how negative you are, to put myself down, you do not respect me, the only thing I do is work and get home, etc, etc.”.  

I remember asking him, “Why did you marry me?”,  and he answered, “I wish I didn't”. That shattered me, I just said, “Okay, I am done then.”. I know he felt terrible too, but we both had spoken. I didn't expect that from him, but do you know how many times I said the same thing to him before? Many.

Whatever your situation, (except domestic violence, drugs or sexual abuse) I believe you can repair it. If your partner tells you, “I want to separate.”, but even after this, he is still at home? I think there is hope that something can be done.

What am I going to do? I don't want to lose my husband. I love my husband, and I don't want this to happen. I don't want to lose my family. I started looking for advice and answers. If your situation is similar, I advise you to do the same. It helped me and continues to help me a lot and our relationship is much better. 

Time to fix what’s broken.

During that time I decided to first “own it” and second what can I do differently.

I gave my husband some space; I did not beg him to forgive me for my attitude, or everything I was doing, because I knew that he was tired of all that and maybe he would not believe me. For me it was important to change for myself first, which allowed us to break down the wall we built. 

I stopped demeaning him, judging him, acting jealous, I didn't pressure him about anything. I didn't call him on the phone, unless it was something I needed or something  very important. I didn't want him to believe that I was desperate to talk to him.  

It wasn’t  time for me to be sad, anguish, desperate or anything like that, on the contrary I had to work on my self-esteem. This is something very important. Do not stop taking care of yourself.

Although I was sad, and a little disappointed, I showed him respect. That was very important, and I knew that my husband would appreciate it.

I kept working, going to the gym, doing projects at home, and even took some night classes. In allowing for space, I could find things to strengthen who I am.

On weekends I would go with my daughter to visit my sister, who lives very close to the beach. We spent a day or sometimes a weekend with her. I used to get together with my family; we had cookouts; the thing was to stay busy, and to do social life outside my house. Sometimes I asked him to go, and if he didn't want to, I wouldn't get mad and go.

I would go out with my friends for dinner, we would meet at their houses and cook something, sometimes we would just have a few drinks. I went on a trip with my cousin for a weekend to visit family and friends; I had a very nice time, and it helped me a lot to relax too. Have a social life also without your partner. It’s okay.

I noticed how little by little my husband started talking to me a little more; we did not talk about separation at all, when we talked it was about our children, the house, work, I asked about his day, etc. He would arrive home earlier from work. Sometimes he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie or a show, whatever it was I realized that he wanted to spend time with me. 

I knew my husband loved me, but my toxic actions were causing a wedge in our relationship. My goal was to repair our relationship and by acknowledging my role in the issue, making changes without living in the past.

Something I want to share with you is that no matter what, do not:

Beg for love. This will only worsen the situation and will solve nothing.

Call or text every minute unless it’s important. If it can wait, wait. 

Let your self-esteem drop at all, don't stop working on yourself. If you feel sad and he notices it and asks you if you are okay? Just say you're dealing with a situation and need to think about it.

Crave for him to feel sorry for you, that's not attractive at all. Don't be talking about when you met, when you got married, how cute he was, especially trying  to use your children to make him feel bad.

Stop having a social life. Have a social life away from home with friends. I do not mean act inappropriately, remember that you have a partner to whom you owe respect. So remembering you are not single and you are not trying to live a party lifestyle.

Manipulate with material items or words. The best gift you can give him is to change your attitude towards him.

Involve your children, the family, or your friends. It will only make things worse, and they are not aware of both sides of the situation.

Spy on him. You know check his phone, or go to go to his work. If he goes out with friends, do not go to look for him, give him his space, just like you, he has the right to a social life outside the home and without you.

Hang in there, things get better.

It is difficult, but it is possible, there will be times when you get angry,  that you continue to believe that he is lying to you, that you act as before, with insecurities, with jealousy, but make sure you go back to the plan and keep trying your best.

Practice thinking about what you will say before talking. If you are angry, say nothing, because you can say something that you will regret later. 

This can work. My husband and I have a better relationship. Little by little he started talking about how he was feeling and why he wanted to get separated. 

No matter what your situation is, I wish you the best. And if despite everything you end up separating, do not think it is the end, take it as an experience, do not make the same mistakes again. 

You are worth a lot and you have to make sure you know it.  

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