Toxic Relationship - Getting To The Other Side

I always thought I was a victim in my relationship and it was that I was in a toxic relationship and that I was the toxic one.

How Behaviors Contribute To Toxic Relationship

A few months ago I had a terrible fight with my husband, maybe the worst we ever had. The argument turned into yelling and throwing insults at each other. He was so upset that I got scared, never seeing him like this before.

I remember when we calmed down I went to my room and started crying so much; I decided to leave my husband. Where would I go? No, he needs to go. Why would I leave him my house? What about my daughter? So much crap in my mind that I was not sure what I would do, but one thing I knew was that I did not want to be with him anymore.

The next day we were still upset, but at least not fighting anymore. I got online and started searching for help, reading so much about relationships I found an article, then another one, and another one, they were all saying that I was in a toxic relationship.

All these articles were my situation, but it hit me real bad when I read that I was a toxic person and that I always play the victim. This was very sad to me, I started crying, felt embarrassed, frustrated and did not know what to do. I did not know what a toxic person was until I read these articles. Almost all of them said, “if you are with this type of person, run far and fast from her or him, leave them, don’t stay with him or her, don't be their victim, they are the worst '', which made me feel terrible.

If you are an insecure woman, you may be a toxic woman too. Here are some signs I noticed about myself:

Defensive - you take everything as a criticism. Your partner does nothing, but you always find ways to over react.

Control Freak - you get upset if your partner does anything that makes him happy outside your relationship life; it bothers you if he is hanging out with his friends, you will get upset or uncomfortable.

You will want him to cancel his plans, or you will interfere in them. This is a terrible signal. You want to be the only person in his life and will do anything to make sure this happens. By lying, getting bossy, you usually manipulate him. You are always asking him where he is going, what he is doing, you want details of everything going on with him.

Always Jealous - you always get upset when he is talking to a pretty woman? Or any woman? You play the victim and make him feel bad or guilty about it. Just by him looking at somebody you get upset, nasty and start a fight for nothing. All this is manipulation, you are trying to control him. You are always checking on his phone, emails, going to his job to catch him doing something.

Belittler - if you are always doing this, bullying him, putting him down all the time, you are just doing this to make yourself feel better about who you are, but really it means you are an insecure person. Sometimes you think why is he with you when he can do much better???

Guilty Shame - do you make him feel guilty about going out or doing things outside the relationship? If you are doing this, if you are making him feel bad for hanging out with his family, friends or coworkers, going to the gym or anything, these are signs of a toxic person, and maybe you will go so far as to make him choose between you and his family.

Overreacting - you are always making him feel like an idiot or guilty, everything is always a big deal to you, and blown way out of proportion. No matter what, you always blame him for everything or someone else.

Do not trust him - you are very insecure so you don't trust him either. If you don't support his dreams, goals, you are always negative about it, you are always telling him he is wrong and need to do something else, that won't work, etc. etc. you are the one who is wrong. Why would we say something like this to the person we love? It is time to change all these behaviors.

I was doing all this and more. If this is your case, you can change this behavior. The first thing you need to do is recognize that you have a problem, that you are wrong, that you don't want to be like this anymore because it is not who you are, just by being here reading this means you are taking the first step.

By now you may know the things you are doing wrong, you need to stop doing these things to fix your relationship. Why do we treat the person we are supposed to love the most this way? I was asking myself this question all the time, and still he was always nice to me.

• You need to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated, help him out, be thoughtful to him.

• Before you say something think about what you are saying, and ask yourself, is this going to upset him? Make him feel bad, hurt his feelings? Sometime it will be better if you say nothing.

• Stop being controlling and aggressive with your partner. This is a very common and toxic behavior.

How Not To Ruin Your Relationship With Insecurities

It is difficult to admit you are a toxic person and that your partner has been your victim of your terrible behavior. I remember while my husband and I were still upset at each other when I discovered I was wrong and that I was doing all these things to him, all that I wanted was for him to hug me and don't let me go. I talked to him about it the same day; I was sad, ashamed, and felt terrible. I asked him why he never told me I was a toxic person? He said he tried by telling me what I was doing wrong, but he wouldn’t ever say I was toxic, he wouldn't ever hurt my feelings like that.

I was not only hurting my husband but my entire family. What kind of example was I giving my daughter? I definitely don't want my daughter to be this person and think it is right. I knew then I had to change; I did not want to lose my husband or my family. I looked for help, went to a therapist, read about how to change my behavior, what to do, etc. I am still working on it, and actually it did not take long to see the results. I have a better relationship with my husband; we talk more, share ideas, have more personal goals and as a couple goals. You can do the same, some things I am doing are this, and these changes are not only with your partner but also with the surrounding people.

This is helping me:

• Love yourself, you need to take care of yourself first. Take time for yourself, stop trying to do everything with your partner, take some time alone, do things alone, like going to the gym, read, meditate, go shopping. I started reading my bible and reading Christian books. Go out with your girls to eat or for a drink. You need to know that your partner is not the source of your well-being.

• When you do something wrong, admit it, be responsible for your actions. This is a process and you will make mistakes, you will get upset, angry, you need to apologize and make sure your actions say it and stop doing the same thing, remember when i said, sometimes it will be better not to say anything.

• Stop acting jealous of everything. When your partner talks about somebody or talks to someone, don't make negative comments, if you are not going to say nothing positive just say nothing, you might not like it but just practice it.

• You need to observe what you are doing wrong, in all the areas, you can ask your partner for help with this, ask what he would like to see in you? What does he think you are doing wrong? When you really know what you are doing wrong, it will be easier for you to focus in those areas and change them. You need to be a person capable of having a healthy relationship. There is no simple way, you just need to work on those areas and change them little by little.

• Stop acting as a victim, stop blaming things on someone else in your life. Stop having negative thought and when you do, stop it, try to think about something else, something positive, like when you met your partner, when you started dating, about a happy time when you were a kid, etc. the thing is that you can let those negative thoughts get in your head, pray if necessary.

• You need to know what love really means to you, so ask yourself this question? Does love mean to you only being with your partner? Do you want to just be the center of his life? Do you accept other people in his life? Is this affecting you? Love should want the best for the other person who you love. From now on think and practice more of this:

  • Respect instead of demanding, freedom instead of controlling, accountability instead of blame, communication instead of assumptions, practice gratitude instead of taking things for granted.

Besides my relationship I also practice this to be less toxic, even that I think I was only having this problem with my husband and not really with friends, family members or coworkers:

• I smile now all the time
• I don't compare myself to nobody else
• I am more grateful, (for my family, my husband, my house, my job, my parents, siblings, my friends, the things I have, the things I don’t have).
• I stay away from negative people, negative conversation, from gossiping, I don't let people talk to me about somebody else in a bad way.
• When my husband give me a compliment i just say thank you
• I try to be a better person to be around
• Practice kindness, this is good for your health, and kind people can’t be toxic people
• When i get home from work i always try to have a smile, ask my husband and daughter about their day
• I cook dinner and eat together with my family; we enjoy each other's company
• Get a hobby, even if it is tiny. In my case I cleaned and redecorated my basement, I transformed a small room in my house into my "new space” (my office) and I love it, I am planting vegetables in my small deck. Actually, right now we are going through quarantine (Covid-19) and it is a little hard and not safe at all to go out, so I have been doing things around the house, organizing my closet, my makeup, my kitchen, my pantry, just trying to stay busy.
• I keep a journal about this experience and try to write about it every day and keep a track of how I am doing, most of the notes I am using for this post.
• I wrote 3 positives things I would do and I always keep them with me, I also have them in front of me in my office, that way you can always practice them. One thing i read and always keep in my mind is “I’VE GOT THIS AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY ”.

It’s difficult to admit that you are a toxic person, it takes some time but you will adopt small positive changes in your habits and it will benefit you and those around you. If you think you need professional help, seek it, I did, but I also think you should try your best to change on your own first, your husband and kids will be your best support.

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