Teresa and I have been married for 15 years and I am sure that we have gone through most of the issues that other couples experience. One thing that helps me is that in our relationship, I only focus on myself.
Now that I have got your attention, let me explain what I mean. I understand I don’t control my wife, only my actions and responses, and if I do that consistently we can grow together. Supposedly, in most relationships (especially marriage), one person is always trying to change the other. My focus is on how to change myself to be my best. Nothing more, nothing less.
For me, it all starts with the following question - Is what I am doing reflect my faith or make me a better husband, father, brother, or friend? If not, I either stop it or figure out a way to move away from it. Although this is a work in progress after time, it gets easier, but it starts with learning to be aware of what the gap is between who you are and who you want to be.
For example, I can be sarcastic, but I used to be very sarcastic. I was so sarcastic that it was on a performance review and my manager at the time (who I consider a close friend even now) was not afraid to address it. She was telling me this was because it was preventing my growth; I listened. I not only listened, but I explored the whys and the triggers to my sarcasm because I couldn’t even pass the first part of my litmus test. I had to do the work to have a different outcome. Now, it is merely a blind spot that I have to be aware of and not a weapon that I yield freely and openly.
Of course, this is not the only thing I have had to work on, nor will it be the last - I am a work in progress. One of the major benefits of working on my issues is seeing the improvements in my other relationships. Remembering what type of person I want to be is a simple way of getting back on track helps me stay sane when things get challenging.
I have spoken to many married people that have been so for a long time (some more years than I have been alive), and the common thing they all said is - It takes work, and don’t give up. I would have never thought that until I experienced the work that it takes to have just a good marriage.
I remember when we were dating, when we got married (and our reception was DOPE), and the honeymoon. I also remember we have had disagreements and arguments. Simply, marriage involves two people that start out strong, life happens, and challenges arise. In each phase, I have had a part in what we are experiencing and I have found that by working on me our marriage seems to work. I fall back to my litmus test to avoid complacency while times are good and manage negative emotions when times are tough.
In case it is not clear, we do not have a perfect marriage. I couldn’t identify a perfect marriage if it was right in front of me. But we have what I consider a normal marriage, and actually, I believe I wouldn’t have it any other way, because it helps me be a better person.
Been There Two
We are Teresa and Andre, a couple sharing the good, the hard, and the honest parts of building a life and raising a family together. Through Been There Two, we write with the hope that our story gives others encouragement and a reminder that they are not alone.
